tips for survival at blockheid HQ

I'd like to be able to tell you my family are lovely people but they're not. They are neurotic intolerant bullies. (Of course they're also very likeable, so they tell me. Everything balances up.)

Staying at pension fund HQ you have to always think one or two steps ahead. You imagine the next accusation and how to counter it. And you're forever thinking of creative ways to get what you want. Say you want to have some peanut butter. You can't just come right out with it, unless you want to be accused of selfishness, vegetarianism or simply being difficult. Instead you say you've read somewhere that peanut butter is very good for .. [choose any of the pension fund's own ailments] and would she like to try it?

Or if she serves some food you don't want to eat, you daren't just say you don't like it. No, you make sure you always have an empty plastic bag in your pocket. Then you say "oh, what's that noise in the kitchen, is something burning?" and while she goes to investigate, you shovel the food into the bag and stick it in your pocket. Then later you go for a walk and dump the food in a bin. Make sure no neighbours see you dumping it - they're quite capable of shopping you to the pension fund.

As a general rule, it's better to lie than to tell the truth. You'll be attacked either way, and it's easier to defend an absurdity than your authentic self. That way, she never really gets to you.

Occasionally you find yourself not under immediate attack. That's the moment to go on the offensive. For instance, try a mind game - pretend you think one of her precious appliances is kaput. Or say you've just seen the neighbour's cat in the garden, looking like it's going to eat the goldfish. That's guaranteed to get her in a tizzy, and keep her off your back for a few glorious minutes.

After the night she was burgled in her sleep, the pension fund has had a panic button installed in the bedroom. Two minutes ago, I pressed it by mistake. Well not by mistake, I thought it might be an extra light switch.

The cop shop is just round the corner, so I've got maybe another 30 seconds to think up the best possible excuse. So far, the best I could come up with is "I was tidying up for you and knocked it by accident".

Dearie me.