Friday, May 16

Lord of The Ring

I lost the gold ring that I've had almost all my life. Everyone in my family used to have identical rings, but they had all lost theirs, or had them stolen. Owning the last remaining ring had allowed me to annoy them by claiming to be the rightful family head.

So I went to the cop shop in case someone handed it in. The police were very friendly, and when I showed them a photo of the ring, they said it would be helpful if they could have the original file for their database. To reach my USB stick, I unpacked half of my backpack on the counter, including a discarded bail court attendance order that I had found in the street outside. 

I warned them that there might be hundreds of photos on the stick, but they said that wasn't a problem. One of the officers plugged my USB stick into his computer and seemed to spend a long time looking at the contents. I suddenly wondered - what the hell else have I got on the stick? Eventually he found the ring pic, and took a copy to file with his report.

When I got home, I checked the stick, and found multiple full frontal photos that Denny and I took of each other, pissed of course. 

Wednesday, February 12


How James Bond transports delicate seedlings home on the bus.

Wednesday, January 15

phone rage

One reason I hate cinemas is the interruptions from the mobile phones of inconsiderate bastards. Why can't these people just switch their handsets off? This guy agrees with me.

So I avoid the cinema, except that last week I went to see American Hustle (not bad, though you have to concentrate on the plot's bluffs and double bluffs). Half way through, a phone goes off, and keeps on ringing. Some self-centred NPD sufferer hasn't switched his phone off. Typical! Then I realise the noise is from deep in my backpack. The one time I forget to silence my phone, is the very time one of my few friends has chosen to call! And these days I have the volume set to stun. 

So what to do? Wade into my bag, knowing the ringing will get even louder as I unearth it? No, I decide to brazen it out till they hang up. Except they don't. Eventually I have to bite the bullet and bring out the phone. By this time it can almost be heard in the next cinema.

Finally it's silenced, nobody has punched me, and we can all get back to watching the film. 

A minute later, the SMS alert noise tells me the caller has left a message. Now, peering through my distance-vision specs, I try to work out how to switch it to silent. At last it's done. Panic over. 

By this time I've missed enough of the film to have lost the plot. 

A few minutes later, my friend has decided to try ringing me on my other phone, also set to maximum volume, also at the bottom of my bag, and the whole rigmarole begins again. By now the film's ruined, but it hasn't been a total waste of time. I've had the humbling experience of learning that inconsiderate bastards aren't just them out there, it's me too. I believe some people would meditate half a lifetime to achieve that kind of oneness with the universe.