A crowd of possums have taken up residence in the roof space. I could put out rat poison but they're cute animals. The trouble is, they're nocturnal, so they spend the night pissing and shitting all over the place, and mating, fighting and screaming in the ceiling above your bed.
Anyway, I used my background in systems analysis to draw up a humane plan, using mothballs (which they apparently hate), and a 400-watt ultra-sonic screamer which I'm building.
Ingredients for the screamer project:
- one PC running Audacity (to generate high-pitched waveforms then mix them with processed random animal sounds, punk bands and bagpipe music)
- one old hi-fi amp, connected to the PC
- 15 metres of cable
- two 400-watt horn tweeters, placed at the holes in the roof where the animals go in and out.
It can't fail. I just have to carefully time the activation for when the possums are out feeding. Otherwise, switching it on when they're already in the attic would trap them in there and torture them with noise, like in Iraq.
But as any general will tell you, you need a multi-pronged attack. So first of all I'm building some nesting boxes to hang in the trees, so the animals will have somewhere new to live after eviction. You see? Carrot and stick. What the world needs now.
So one night next week I'll set the alarm for about 3am, before they come home from chewing gum trees. I just have to get up the ladder into the attic, scatter some mothballs, and switch on the screamers and the strobe lamp. When the possums return, hopefully they'll be so confused, they won't even dare come into the roof.
If there's no more posts here, assume I've fallen through the ceiling half-asleep in my pyjamas. Oh I love the night life!