Monday, May 25

From our Scottish TV Critic

I've given up watching all thae TV programmes about fat, bone-idle proletarians on benefits with massive flatscreens. And also those progs about compulsive clearners (mainly because I sympathised with them).

Now, I'm watching The Island

The Island is a tiny bit like I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, but without the celebrities

There are two islands. One island, they drop 14 lads onto. The other they drop 14 lassies onto. Beforehand they get two days of survival training. The islands are in the tropics.

In the laddish island, they mostly argue about who is the alpha male. But they also had to get their act together to kill the crocodile for something to eat.

Meanwhile, on the lassies' island, they mostly got completely lost and went round in circles for several days because, unbelievably, they all had worse directional skills than Crazy John.

I find the lassie island more interesting.

They don't seem very good at survival, but they bitch less than the lads. They were all wet and soggy and depressed and lost, but then one of them was featured, and she was calm, and still had a sense of humour, and was also gorgeous. And I thought...I could live with you on The Island. But then the next day I think the sand flies had been at her during the night, and her face had a million bites and was not so attractive.

Then they featured the Scottish lassie. Attractive, has a personality, is a bit lippy, but nice with it.

They (it is filmed by the participants) showed her walking along the beach after the previous night's storm, looking at the washed up debris including various plastic bottles. She picked up one of the bottles, and said, "Aye. Look at this wan. It's called [brand name deleted]. Disgusting, so it is. Tastes just like sperm!" 1

At this moment, all the male folk watching the program woke up from their slumbers. She'll have a lot to live down, when she gets back home. And I thought...I could live with you on The Island.

The lassies were on one beach where there were two young wild pigs. Really young hogs. And they left that beach for another beach where there was fresh water. The wee pigs followed them several miles to the new beach, for unknown reasons. The wee pigs became pets. They slept with the lassies at night. Several days later, when they've had nae food whatsoever, talk amongst the lassies gets round to the fact that there is suckling pig walking around the camp.

The sperm taster turns out to be a vegetarian (yes, explain that one to me), the others are nowhere to be seen, but saying things like "You can't kill a pet". One of them is a qualified doctor.

Then, up to the mark steps the gorgeous babe who previously attempted to row the Atlantic (or similar). This one is regarded by the others as 'the strongest amongs us'. She's gorgeous, also, and has sharp blue eyes and lips that suggest alliances.

So eventually the doctor, another one and the strongest one pick up the suckling pigs. The gorgeous one says "Don't get them stressed. Just hold them gently, but firmly, while I cut them. They won't feel pain."

Which she does. And I think, I totally want to live with you on The Island. It's wonderful TV. It's far better than Excessive Compulsive Cleaners.

1all opinions expressed are not necessarily etc....

1 comment:

  1. I say!

    I heard that on the last day on the Men's Island, they had a game of cricket. Well done!

    MM III