Tuesday, March 16

if you can keep your heid

Up to ones eyes here, still viral. One of the people here is forever exploding. No help at all. I'm working overtime, and thanks to over-zealous self-treatment for the ingrown toenail, I've a limp. The old dear has packed her suitcase and swears they're coming to take her away. All in her imagination. The pension fund (in receivership) is delivering helpful bavarian lessons over the phone.

As Dazzle used to say, it'll be nice to be drunk on a plane. These meditators have the right idea really - stay out of it.


  1. Albert? I can definitely help with the ingrown toenail. First of all, wedge up the toenail and stick a wedge of newspaper, or bog paper, or just paper underneath the edge. If your flesh is already pussy and red, maybe this won't help. The other thing you have to do is cut your toenail in a vee. It cuts down to the centre. This makes the edges curl in instead of curling into your flesh. If you don't so this, you can go to hospital and have them rip it out. Sometimes it grows straight up after yon. That'll cost you a brief recitation of the Medicine Buddha mantra. "I will give him all my money. I will give him all my money. I will give him all my money, so I will!" Hotboy p.s. I've read half of the City of Thieves. Brilliant so far! Very brilliant!

  2. Albert? I could actually be a help with all kinds of aspects, but you're a flatheid. I've been a flatheid. And I'm still a flatheid for most of the time. I'm the boy who can tell you that it's not a help! Hotboy

  3. Hotters, yes but the hard part is working out exactly which bit isn't a help.

    The explanation of how the vee works is actually very lucid. Were you off the turps when you wrote it? I'll give it a try.

    PS - when you say "the edges curl in" did you mean "the edges curl out"? Mine are curling in and that may be the problem. I understand most things but not ingrown toenails. Or blissheidism apparently.

  4. Albert? I've cut my big toes in a vee since I was a lad and my brother told me about this trick. It does work. But it won't stop you printing anagrams of Lady ... I won't even mention her name! Hotboy