More from our correspondent

The snips know that they haven't a snowball's chance in hell of
winning a future Scottish referendum on leaving the UK, due to the
fact that too many Scots are currently aware of the economic
consequences. So the new SNP tactics involve:

a: Ruining the education system so that the next generation of Jocks
can't count www.ft.com/cms/s/0/49eec956-0304-11e5-b31d-00144feabdc0.html

b: Be so nasty to the Englanders that they come to hate the Jocks as
much as the Jocks hate the Englanders
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3165076/SNP-rips-rule-book-vows-start-interfering-English-affairs-time.html
with the expectation that the Englanders then tell the Jocks to bugger
off because they are not willing to continue to sub them billions if
they're going to be so nasty.

Plan B is having some success, as the Jocks interfere with the
Englanders historic love of getting on horses and chasing an innocent
furry creature round the hills until it gives up and lets a pack of
dogs rip it to pieces. This may not be what you, I or most other
people regard as sport, but they've been doing it for centuries, and
it came in handy as training when they wanted to get rid of a
generation of silly buggers by telling them to make a charge of the
light brigade up the wrong valley.

If there is one thing that the Englanders can't stand, it's constantly
whinging Jocks walking away with Englander klonkers in their pockets
for free from lazy bugger benefits, so we will have to wait to see
what happens next.

July report from our Scottish political correspondent

Rob,

You may not have heard that the snips are taking yet another leaf out of Mugabe's book, and are planning a land grab via the Scottish Land Reform Act.

The problem for the snips is that the only Jock war vets heareabouts are the ones who fought for thon Jock socialist (now multi-millionaire) Tony "Things Can Only Get Better" Blair in Iraq, and the snips don't like him anymore.

So, their plan is to redistribute the land in a different way - the longer you've been bone-idle, the fatter you are and the wider your plasma screen, the more land you will get.

As soon as the recipients realise that from their new boggy-bit lands they can't get a Sky TV signal and that the nearest offie is far more than 100 yards away, there will be a mass Jexit back to the schemes.

autumn sky

From our Scottish TV Critic

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I've given up watching all thae TV programmes about fat, bone-idle proletarians on benefits with massive flatscreens. And also those progs about compulsive clearners (mainly because I sympathised with them).

Now, I'm watching The Island http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-island-with-bear-grylls

The Island is a tiny bit like I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, but without the celebrities

There are two islands. One island, they drop 14 lads onto. The other they drop 14 lassies onto. Beforehand they get two days of survival training. The islands are in the tropics.

In the laddish island, they mostly argue about who is the alpha male. But they also had to get their act together to kill the crocodile for something to eat. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3053336/Pictured-controversial-moment-contestants-Bear-Grylls-survival-Island-killed-protected-American-crocodile.html

Meanwhile, on the lassies' island, they mostly got completely lost and went round in circles for several days because, unbelievably, they all had worse directional skills than Crazy John.

I find the lassie island more interesting.

They don't seem very good at survival, but they bitch less than the lads. They were all wet and soggy and depressed and lost, but then one of them was featured, and she was calm, and still had a sense of humour, and was also gorgeous. And I thought...I could live with you on The Island. But then the next day I think the sand flies had been at her during the night, and her face had a million bites and was not so attractive.

Then they featured the Scottish lassie. Attractive, has a personality, is a bit lippy, but nice with it.

They (it is filmed by the participants) showed her walking along the beach after the previous night's storm, looking at the washed up debris including various plastic bottles. She picked up one of the bottles, and said, "Aye. Look at this wan. It's called [brand name deleted]. Disgusting, so it is. Tastes just like sperm!" ¹

At this moment, all the male folk watching the program woke up from their slumbers. She'll have a lot to live down, when she gets back home. And I thought...I could live with you on The Island.

The lassies were on one beach where there were two young wild pigs. Really young hogs. And they left that beach for another beach where there was fresh water. The wee pigs followed them several miles to the new beach, for unknown reasons. The wee pigs became pets. They slept with the lassies at night. Several days later, when they've had nae food whatsoever, talk amongst the lassies gets round to the fact that there is suckling pig walking around the camp.

The sperm taster turns out to be a vegetarian (yes, explain that one to me), the others are nowhere to be seen, but saying things like "You can't kill a pet". One of them is a qualified doctor.

Then, up to the mark steps the gorgeous babe who previously attempted to row the Atlantic (or similar). This one is regarded by the others as 'the strongest amongs us'. She's gorgeous, also, and has sharp blue eyes and lips that suggest alliances.

So eventually the doctor, another one and the strongest one pick up the suckling pigs. The gorgeous one says "Don't get them stressed. Just hold them gently, but firmly, while I cut them. They won't feel pain."

Which she does. And I think, I totally want to live with you on The Island. It's wonderful TV. It's far better than Excessive Compulsive Cleaners.

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¹all opinions expressed are not necessarily etc....

more from our Scottish political correspondent

You won't have seen the Scottish newspapers yesterday. The Sun,

which is owned by thon Ozzie fascist chap who gets his income from

those proletarians of low intelligence, had a full front page photo of

Ed Milliband eating his bacon sarnie from months ago, and looking

decidedly weird.

And I thought - how low can you get?

Then I looked over to the SNP newspaper, The National, and it had a

smaller copy of that same photo, along with photos of all the other

non-Nat Nutter leaders taken during episodes of severe flatulence and

all looking very weird. Yes, even Broonie suffers from flatulence

from time to time, which added to his glass een, can make him look

extremely weird. And I thought - so that's what it comes down to for

the too-dumb-to-be-able-to-count - i.e. don't vote for someone who six

months ago had a photo of themselves looking weird two hours after

eating a veggie burger.

But don't worry. 66.1% was the turnout in this general election.

84.5% was the turnout in the last Referendum. There are therefore

still hundreds of thousands of folk who, like me, didnae pitch up to

vote yesterday, but who will always, always, always pitch up to vote

No in any Scottish Referendum to defeat the fascist Nat Nutters, the

hopelessly romantic, the bone idle, and those who think Scotland can

nationalise BP.

And we feel secure in the fact that, though the good Nippy Sweetie

may repeatedly threaten to skelp Fat Eck's backside, the man with

verbal diarrhea himself has not only now been let loose on Westminster

and the press in that part of the country, but has also never been

properly potty trained and therefore will always completely and

utterly over-anticipate the ultimate outcome of a Highland Charge. I

would definitely have voted for him if I'd lived in the constituency

of Gordon, simply in order to get him to Westminster.

email from our Scottish political correspondent

I'm totally positive about the forthcoming election, because, whatever
the outcome, the Nat Nutters will be the eventual losers.

Scenarios:

1. The Nat Nutters gain all seats in Scotland, and demand another
Referendum. This is the best outcome because, what with the fall in
oil prices and the now certainty that Scotland could not keep the £
and would have to print worthless Groats, hardly anyone who can do
sums will vote Yes in that Referendum. Having two No votes in quick
succession will surely stop even the Jock whingers for a generation or
so. This is actually why the Nippy Sweetie has more or less ruled out
the possibility of another quick Referendum.

2. The Nat Nutters do well in Scotland. The 'Red' Eds are the
largest party and form the next government with Fat Eck's occasional
support. Fat Eck writes the budget. This is not quite so good, but
what it will mean is that the economy will quickly be half-wrecked,
benefits will be increased which will mean that due to demand, the
price of street drugs will sky-rocket, and who will get the blame for
the economic downturn? Fat Eck and the Nat Nutters who have written
the budget! After a few years, the Posh Boys will be elected once
again so that they can sort things out once again. The Nat Nutters
economics will be shown to be crap, in practice.

3. Although the Nat Nutters do well in Scotland. The Posh Boys are
the largest party, and form the government with the help of the Libs
and Nigels and continue to sort the rest of the stuff out. In five
years time everyone except the bone idle will be loaded with spare
cash, and it will be plain madness to want to leave the Union for
independence. Not that this will stop the Nat Nutters from whinging.

4. No-one gets a real majority or is able to form much of a
government for any length of time. As happened in Belgium in
2010/11, you don't actually need to have much of a government for
things to continue. If things are only continuing, they can't change
much, and the economy will continue to prosper. In five years time
everyone will be loaded and (see end of 3 above).

5. The 'Red' Eds win the election outright. This is possibly the
worst scenario. The economy then does badly because the 'Red' Eds
borrow billions. The Nat Nutters whinge. But everyone knows that the
Nat Nutters' economic plans are more or less the same as the 'Red'
Eds', so the Nat Nutters' support will suffer in the long term. This
possibly worst-case scenario for Unionists is less likely, thank goodness,
because it is the Nat Nutters who are taking seats from the 'Red' Eds.
Yay the Nat Nutters! They never learn!

6. The Posh Boys win the election outright. No need for another quick
Referendum, and in five years time the rest of the stuff will be
sorted and everyone apart from the bone idle will be loaded and not
want to commit political suicide.

Of course, in the meantime we will have to suffer the global
embarrassment of seeing pissed Nat Nutters falling about in the George
Square fountains the day after the election on the news, but in fact
this will only go to show the world what they are really like.

Letter to the editor

I think that there should be another Scottish Referendum, ASAP.

This is because there have been two substantial changes since the last
one. 

a) the massive drop in oil prices, which makes it
obvious, even to nat nutters, that a separate Scotland would be a
complete and utter economic disaster, and 

b) we now all know that a
separate Scotland would have to have its own currency, and everything
that that would entail.

I am for another Referendum on one important condition - that is, when
the majority vote 'No' once again, the nat and snip nutters promise to 
stop whinging for a generation.

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Anzac Day report from our Southern Hemisphere Military Correspondent

Sir John Monash was probably the best General of WWI. 

He not only invented the principle of providing his men with air cover. He also used tanks for cover and machine gun attack, plus the creeping barrage, whereby the field gun would project shells in front of the men.

Adam Henry McKibbin of the 4th Machine Gun Corps wrote home about the industrial machine, useless British generals, the putrid smell of flesh and the total waste of human life. His letters were uncensored because he sent them home from Weymouth recuperating from gas. 

None of this Nancy Boy "oh that's totally un-PC" CRAP - that's just straight out of some middle class L*zzo-F*g, left wing, shut-the-argument-down-because-it-may-offend-our-sensibilities, bullsh*t. Unfortunately they are the very people that have f***ed left wing politics in this country. And unlike the Labourites of old, have never done a decent days physical work in their whole lives, but see themselves as life's VICTIMS and MARTYRS.

And as for the little Johnny Too Goods going to Gallipoli now for the commemoration service, well I'd get them to sign up for Military Service on their return, except their Mummies wouldn't like it.

Australians need to harden-the-f***-up or we will be overrun one day.

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The views expressed here are not necessarily etc....