The transcript below explains everything. It's probably only interesting if you're me, but it's all true.
Doctor Robert: Just relax, and tell me what you have to report today.
Patient: Well, I had a dream.
Doctor Robert: Okay, just tell me what you can remember.
Patient: Well, I remember I was living on one side of a forest, and I could see over on the other side ...
Doctor Robert: Symbolically, the other side of the world?
Patient: Yes. There was a large tree, and hotboy was scampering around in the upper branches of it, like a monkey, or judging from the bend of the branches, more like an orang-utan. He was being encouraged by a mate of his.
Doctor Robert: Who was his friend?
Patient: I don't know, maybe his sensei. Anyway, as hotters climbed higher into the tree, the branch was bending ever lower towards the ground, and nearer and nearer to the garden I was standing in.
Doctor Robert: Symbollically, you want hotboy to visit you.
Patient: Yes, it all makes sense! Yesterday I had bottled another bucket of home brew, so in my dream I created someone to drink it all!
Doctor Robert: Just leave the psychoanalysis to me. Tell me more about the dream.
Patient: I suppose so. And in the dream I was thinking - I would never perform gymnastics high in a tree that, it's too dangerous.
Doctor Robert: What do the aerial gymnastics represent? In real life, does this hotboy fellow ever do anything that's risky?
Patient: Apart from the drugs, the feats of drinking, the cigarettes, the boxing, and the running around outdoors in an Edinburgh winter? Nothing at all.
Doctor Robert: Do go on.
Patient: Well, as hotters continued to run and jump around on the branch, I was thinking - I hope it doesn't break or he'll injure himself falling into my garden.
Doctor Robert: In other words, you imagined a more down to earth hotboy.
Patient: Yes, I suppose if he ever applied his abilities to something practical or a career, he would be a great success and then I would be the only under-achiever I know.
Doctor Robert: So what happened next?
Patient: He sank so low he was able to step off into my garden, and I showed him around.
Doctor Robert: What happened next?
Patient: Next thing I knew, he was back on the other side of the forest, with one of his mates.
Doctor Robert: What was the friend doing?
Patient: He was obsessively tinkering with a car engine, a sports car, to make it go even faster.
Doctor Robert: Does hotboy know anyone who's obsessed with speed?
Patient: Yes! I see now, it must have been Poisonous!
Doctor Robert: Maybe, or does he know anyone else, someone with an obsessive hobby?
Patient: Well there's Menzies, he's an obsessive pitch inspector.
Doctor Robert: There you are then.
Patient: Yes. Inspecting the car engine represents inspecting a cricket pitch. Anyway, I saw hotboy leaving the forest and walking in the direction of Nicholson Street, so I ran to try and catch him before he went home. By the time I reached Nicholson Street, he was already on his bike and cycling away. I shouted, and he turned around. I suggested we go for a beer, and I offered that we could either go to a nearby pub full of deifheids and flatheids, or drink some of my home brew back at Buccleuch Towers. He chose the pub.
Doctor Robert: Why did he prefer the pub?
Patient: I haven't a clue.
Doctor Robert: Time's up. I hope this has helped.
Patient: Thanks. This virtual analysis really works. Every day I'm getting a little more normal.
If you think you too could benefit from spending some time with Doctor Robert, he's taking bookings now in the comments section.
