careers of famous friends

When I was a kid, Alan lived across the road from me, and we were best buddies. At a time when I was still listening to Cliff Richard and The Shadows, Alan turned me on to Beatlemania.


Alan and me
One year, four of us performed at the Sunday School Christmas party, miming to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". My hair was curly and wouldn't stay in a fringe, so my father made me a fake fringe out of black wool and elastic. He also made the two hardboard cut-out guitars, in the shape of my ukulele.


Cardboard cut-out Beatles

A year or two later, Alan became head of the sunday school, and I went to the devil. Since those days, Alan has lived a decent and worthwhile life as an activist church minister, and was last year appointed Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland (BBC announcement). For non-Scots readers, this means he's a sort of Archbishop of Scotland.

But I've just discovered that Alan is not the only famous person I used to know. When I was an 18-year-old medical student studying anatomy, I spent a year taking apart a dead person. There were six of us students to each body. One of the guys sharing my cadaver was called Ian. He later moved to Australia and went on to invent a vaccine to prevent cervical cancer. He won a gong in 2005. I may possibly have contributed in some small way to his success. Due to hangovers and other chemical imbalances, I actually missed many of the anatomy classes, and this would have given Ian a clearer view and better access to the body on the slab.

Another old school chum, whose mother was the love of my father's life (unconsummated) worked his way up to become one of the leading suppliers of sausage skins to the Glasow meat trade. That could have been me if only my father had married more wisely.

But much as I admire the achievements of my former friends, I'm sure they would also admire my success if they only knew about my work here in New Caledonia as an amateur brewer. And I hate to boast, but I have also had some success at the McDonald Institute, where I was head researcher in the Department of Misanthropology. Not to mention my volunteer counselling work with the HNT scheme.

Obviously, I flunked the anatomy exams, but I still learned some basic anatomy, and I think I've got what it takes to be a waxer.