looking over the shoulder (updated!)

I don't know if you've ever had an MRI scan, but it's not the most relaxing experience. They slide you into a long coffin-shaped enclosure, then blast you with magnetism. The noise is like being machined-gunned from all angles inside a washing machine. And they tell you to stay completely still for half an hour, when every fibre of your being is urging you to get the hell out of there. My dog would be out of there like a shot.

Half-way through the procedure, they turn off the machine-guns, and pull you out of the coffin to inject you with dye. Then it's back into the coffin and on with the artillery.

I went back to the hospital the next morning to pick up the results. I once studied anatomy for a year, and normally I would open the envelopes and read the x-rays and the report, but this time I decided that I would control the results, rather than the other way round. For one thing, I won't be seeing the specialist again till Thursday, so what's the point of me knowing the scan result so soon? If it's bad, I would have days of fretting until Thursday (and worse after that).

Also, Don Juan said "Keep death at your left shoulder." The idea is that your death is your friend and can remind you of the fact of impermanence - that things change, that things end, that this body will die, that this life will come to an end.

So I've stashed the scan results under the house with all the home-brew, and for the last few days I've been thinking about what they represent (the results, not the bottles). Maybe a clean sheet. Maybe something nasty. Or perhaps just an inconclusive report which is neither one thing nor the other (the pathology doctors have to cover themselves, I suppose).

At one point, when the stress levels got too high, I thought to myself - what would a hot boy do? Besides blissing out, I mean. Of course! He'd do some Tai Chi. So, though I hadn't done any Tai Chi for a few years, I gave it a go. Amazing how all the moves come back to you without effort. In fact, if you actually try to remember it, you suddenly can't. You need to switch off the mind and let the movements do themselves. After 20 minutes, I had done the whole routine and I was the king of the world.

These last four days of procrastination (deferred gratification?) have been pretty happy, a special time, potentially my last days of innocence. Such good fortune! But today it's time to read the report. I am just going downstairs and I may be some time.

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Later: I went for a jog to shed some nerves, then I went to the cellar and brought up the brain scan and 2 bottles of beer. Sitting in the garden I opened both bottles and then the big envelope.

MRI LEFT SUBMANDIBULAR REGION AND BRAIN

TECHNIQUE: Sequences were performed before and after Gadolinium.

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SUMMARY: Post treatment changes are noted in the left submandinbular region as described. No recurrent mass or abnormal enhancement seen. No evidence of metastatic disease.

Translation - I've got a brain, and it's completely normal! What a fortunate creature I am once more.

Effing brilliant!

They even give you a CD to take home, with all of the pictures of your head. This one's rather attractive, though I say it myself.




There'll be more bottles opened tonight. Break out the shampoo!