Tuesday, July 6

between the ears and the legs

Medical news. A doc at the hospital called and said the old dear's improving on a cocktail of two bliss pills, but resisting further improvement. The doc wanted to know our family's preferences about giving her ECT. As you might expect, the Bavarian branch of the family is all for it, and after consideration so am I. If she's going to end up back at home with her useless husband, it would even things up if she was a zombie just like him.

Home news. There are new renters moving in next door to replace the racketeers who moved out last week. For now there's complete peace in the garden. Cap'n Kev has given me a big old 2000-watt leaf blower, a huge and useless machine. If I ever wanted to clear up dead leaves rather than let nature take its course, I would use a rake. But if the new neighbours turn out to be, like the last ones, compulsive in-garden mobile phone shouters, this deafening machine will come in handy after all.

Foreign news. The pension fund gave me an update on the recent injury to her "front bottom, well not bottom but the crack". And she's been getting good feedback from her birthday guests about me. So maybe the trip was all almost worthwhile.


  1. Albert? Have you ever tried the ECT on yourself? It's easy. Just stick your fingers in the plug holes.
    I hope you've alerted the new neighbours to the midnight prostate milking con feather dance. No wonder they keep moving. Being Aussies they probably don't know it's an art form. Tell the nazi gold hoarder to send me a cheque and I'll pass it on no matter what state her front bottom is in. That's a front bottom and a back bottom problem across the generations in one family!

  2. I say!

    In the absence of a qualified shrink, or, come to think of it, a qualified medic of any kind, Mrs M used to do some charity work at the Mental Hospital just up the road, here. Her qualification as an OT made her one of the most senior staff in the place. I was invited up for a tour one day.

    I was impressed with the logic of the patients wearing green and white striped uniforms, as this made it easier to catch them when they escaped.

    Keeping the murderers and murderesses behind bars also seemed sensible.

    I was also impressed with the ECT facilities, but rather surprised that they decided to give me a demonstration of it in action.

    A patient was encouraged by two assistants into the room, given something to chew on, the electrodes were fitted, and four assistants each held a corner of a sheet, thus securing the patient.

    The patient was then zapped - that's the only word to describe the process - with lots of thrashing around, and then carried out on a stretcher.

    There was no blood.

    The process took all of five minutes. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but I was assured that it was all for the better.

    I'm sure that medical facilities in Bavaria are much more advanced, and trust that the above description sets your mind at ease.

    MM III

  3. Mingers, that's a huge help. They're going to let her our soon. Let's hope she doesn't try to contact Mrs M.

    Hotters. Thus is a respectable blog. Don't make me call in the prostate censor. Have you thought of seeing a doctor about the obsession with male genitalia? A course of ECT might normalise you back to female back bottoms and toiletries. I know you can do it. You used to be normal when I knew you.

  4. PS. Not in the biblical sense.