Wednesday, February 22

since the old dear died

In the years following my old man's death, I observed myself changing in a number of ways.

Similarly, since the old dear died last year, I've noticed some changes:

• I tend to be more fidgety. Though we weren't close, maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I had always retained a sense of the old dear being in control of the world. And now that she's gone, there's nobody looking after everything. The remedy for my new restlessness is either to get religious, so god can take the place of the old dear. Or I can tackle it by getting back into tai chi, or even meditation except that would only set Hotters off again.

• I tend to be more angry, aggressive, reckless, impatient. That's the downside, but the upside is I'm more spontaneous and outspoken, so maybe I'll just live with it. I think it's because I'm aware that now the old dear's died, I'm the next cab off the rank, and time's running out.

• I'm more sloppy, lackadaisical. As above (time's running out). Life's too short to try and keep on top of everything. But I feel conflicted about giving in to this - you have to be organized to make progress on things. I still fill my (smartphone) diary with things to do and people to contact, but then I never read what I've written so I never remember to do anything.

• I'm thinking more about infirmity, and slow dying vs. quick death. Though life keeps getting better in some ways, I'd still rather go in my sleep tonight, than suffer for years in pain or getting bits chopped out of me.

• I'm thinking more about younger folk, and the challenges they're likely to face in their lifetimes. Most of my generation will probably get to conk out before the worst of the future happens. I remember a couple of days before the old man died, I broke the Lockerbie news to him, but he was already beyond caring.

This photo shows the old dear in the 70s.


  1. I say!

    I remember when MM II passed on, that I had similar feelings.

    MM III

  2. Mingers, some things are universal. Did you have to shoot him too?

  3. It is hard to come to grips with being an orphan, no matter what your age.

    Learning to face the fact that our lives are limited can be hard. I've faced death several times and don't fear it. Sometimes even welcome the idea.

    Living with a chronic illness makes me hope that I too die in my sleep at home. I've already spent too much time sick with bits being cut out of me.

    The world changes and folks face challenges. They are just different ones than we faced. New things to be afraid of.

    Live in your moment, decide what matters and let the rest go.

    Life is a gift, but so is death.

  4. Nanners, I think you're about the wisest person I know (and I know some smart folk).

  5. I'm not looking forward to the auld maw going, but right now it looks as if she'll outlast me! Hotboy

  6. Hotters, if she hasn't dedicated her life to brain damage, I'm not surprised she's outlasting you. Mind you, she probably doesn't do the yogic jumping and heidstands, so it'll balance up.

  7. Albert? You can see from this post what a laugh it is to be a flatheid with nothing to look forward to but personal annihilation. Tempis fugit. Well, good luck with that then. Hope this helps. Hotboy p.s. Ask for some barbituates the next time then you really won't care. Your bliss pills aren't working. Double the dose. p.p.s. Just as well you didn't waste your time with the meditation nonsense!

  8. Hotters, what you perhaps perceived as whingeing is called looking into the mouth of the beast, an alternative to getting off one's face. Both approaches have their advantages. I wouldn't recommend my way to you.

  9. I say!

    Another thing that happpens when you're old is that when you get pissed and listen to the headphones on warp 23 until you pass out, you can't get the song out of your mind for at least four days afterwards. It just plays and replays. Something should be done about this.

    MM III

  10. Mingers. Maybe that's how musicians prepare for a performance.