open head therapy 2

I've been getting some more help from Doctor Robert.

The transcript below explains everything. It's probably only interesting if you're me, but it's all true.

Doctor Robert: Today I want to find out more about what sort of person you are. Last week you said your life's going nowhere.  Have you ever tried meditation? It could help you focus on what you really want to do.

Patient: Well, I once tried using visualisation - that's a bit like meditating, isn't it?

DR: And did you get results?

Patient: Oh yes. It was back in the days when I used to jog. I discovered that you can boost your speed during a run, by visualising certain, er, invigorating scenes. I sometimes imagined myself jogging past a gorgeous blonde young mother.

DR: I think I know what you're going to say.

Patient: Yes, she would be screaming because her wee child was in the jaws of a bull terrier, being eaten alive. Using my axe or machete which I just happened to have with me while jogging, I would paralyse the dog with one almighty chop through its spine.

At this point in the fantasy, the adrenaline effect on my running speed was like hitting a turbo button. Amazing! Sometimes I would imagine the young mother's gratitude as well, but the main buzz was my attack on the dog.

DR: Well at least it shows you have a natural aptitude for public service. Have you considered a change of career, maybe some kind of avenging dog catcher?

Patient: I'd rather be a leaf blower patrolman.

DR: A what?

Patient: You know those annoying people who use leaf-blowers to move dead leaves from their garden into someone else's? And then the wind blows them all back again! It would be my job to deal with them. If they're doing it in their own garden or in the street, well they're fair game. I'd have a licence to kill them on the spot. Okay, occasionally you might find some poor employee doing leaf-blowing as a job - I'd have to spare them if could take me to the manager who told them to do it. I'd shoot the manager.

DR: I was thinking of something less violent.

Patient: When I was a kid I always wanted to be a plain-clothes cop, maybe one of the guys who bumps off muggers - just strolling around dodgy areas waiting for someone to make my day. I could dress as a wee old lady, wait for the tug on my handbag, pull out a magnum and - bang!

DR: Er, what about something more gentle? And legal. You're obviously interested in law enforcement - what about being a traffic cop?

Patient: Yes! I'd stand at a busy crossroads, and wait for drivers racing through on red. I'd throw buckets of raw offal on their windscreens as they cross the junction. Make them think they'd hit a pedestrian.

DR: But think of the mess!

Patient: You're right. I'd just shoot them.

DR: I see, there seems to be a bit of a theme here. Do you get these murderous feelings very often?

Patient: No, since I've been taking the bliss pills, I hardly get them at all.

DR: Well please don't stop taking the pills, that's all that's standing between you and a massacre.

If you think you too could benefit from spending some time with Doctor Robert, he's taking bookings now in the comments section.