Thursday, December 9

change of life

It's dawning on me that I'm in the middle of some sort of existential change.

It was brought home to me in a dream last night. I was on the way to court, where I was to be defending myself against the tax man, over a piffling amount he was wrongly alleging I owed from years ago.

I had built up a huge dossier to present in court. But now all my notes outlining my brilliant defence were suddenly indecipherable. I rifled through the papers hoping to find the one sheet where I might have written down a summary of my thinking.

Clearly, my only hope was that when they called my case and I was put on the spot, it would all become clear to me, and I would wow the judge. As if!

In the end, I told the judge I was throwing myself on the court's mercy.

And that's the point where I woke up in a sweat. So how does the dream relate to my waking life?

• Well, in reality I have all these papers in my study, in piles, in trays, in binders and in cabinets. I used to keep on top of things but these days I can't be bothered. Because everything has proliferated too far for anyone to manage. And I'M AS APATHETIC AS HELL AND I'M JUST NOT GOING TO DO IT ANY MORE. It's amazing I can still summon up the will to blog.

• Also, I'm losing the will to explain or justify myself. If people are curious why I wear only one sock, eff 'em!

Other signs of apathy and decrepitude:

• Online Scrabble has gone to pot, and I'm losing every game because I can't be bothered trying.

• Fighting with the cellmate, even when I know I'm right and she's wrong, no longer has the same appeal. Sometimes I'd rather find a way of keeping the peace than being right.

• Even the last bastion of the life force, watching fit young babes in the street, is too much of an effort.

So I did something new today after work. I did the first thing that came into my head - I jogged. Only about 500 yards, but it felt better than all the drudgery. I was held back by the heat and the dog, and a sensible caution, but next time I'm planning to leave the dog at home, and do a kilometer, but only if I feel like it. This could be the start of a renaissance of free will.


  1. Albert? Two suggestions. The first suggestion is that you should adopt me into the nazi gold of opulence without having to give me anything. This would help your calvinism. The second thing you should do is decide to look after me for ever, and make your hut available for this. So you don't give me anything, but you give me everything, and a hut as well! It's called generocity, or compassion. Once you can do this, you get to go to heaven. The way you are, you're completely funged. Hope this helps. Hotboy

  2. Hotters, I would leave you the Nazi memorabilia in my will, if I thought there was a chance of you outliving me.

    Thanks for the offer of salvation, but I grew up a heathen, so never learned the delusions about heaven and hell.

  3. Albert? Lassitude is what comes with living in a desert. Sit under a sprinkler with a slab of beer. It worked for me! Hotboy

  4. Hotters, that actually makes sense. I'm going to rig up the sprinkler today. The heat here makes you want to do nothing, not even the yoga that helps combat the heat stress.

    It's no wonder New South Caledonians have never achieved anything.