Thursday, January 14

city boys in the backwoods

Cap'n Kev and I once set off, with the dog, on a camping trip. After a few hours on the road, we stopped for coffee at a roadside cafe. We sat outside, and I tied the dog to our table.

We were enjoying a quiet coffee when a truck pulled up beside us. The driver jumped out, and left the motor running while he went shopping. Enveloped in exhaust, I simply whinged, but to his credit Kev climbed into the cab and switched off the engine.

When the guy eventually returned, he was furious - it was a hot day and he had wanted the aircon to keep the cab nice and cool. Bravely, Kev gave the guy a lecture on air pollution laws.

When the argument was over and I was congratulating Kev, a local guy sitting at the next table came over. I thought he was going to say "good on yer". But he said something like "you should look at yourselves before you start accusing other people - that dog shouldn't be anywhere near a cafe, you're breaking the public health laws."

We drove on, but by this time it was starting to feel a bit like Deliverance.

Hours later we went off-road, and reached the secluded spot that only Kev knew about. We pitched our tents. As it was getting dark, we noticed we were right next to a track used by local hooligans and shooters. One pickup truck after another roared past us, rednecks in baseball caps hanging out the windows and off the back. Through their eyes, we looked like city mugs, or gays.

I knew what would happen next. I have seen the movies. I vetoed the camp site and we packed up again. I think Kev would have stayed on, but there's no way I would have slept after that. On the drive home, I turned to Kev and quoted George Costanza - we must never talk about this again. And we never did.


  1. Albert? What's the matter with folk thinking you are gay? You should get the Barbara Streisand posters off your wall. Couldn't your partner have asked the nice truck driving man to move his motor because of the exhaust? In some cultures the way you treat your dog (and eat other animals) is regarded as pretty disgusting. Have you ever thought you might be a wee bit autistic? There's a lot of it about. Hope this helps. Hotboy

  2. Hotters, as a townie you don't understand survival - a dog is an emergency food supply. I pity vegetarians, how long do you think you'd survive on just dog urine?

    Mingers, yon book cover would be more realistic with a typical Aussie psychopath creeping up in the background.

  3. Albert? I think if you were a vegetarian, you'd probably eat plants. I've no idea how long you'd survive drinking dog's urine. Why would you want to do that? Do you think Jesus Christ when he had his forty days and nights in the desert had a dog with him? Hotboy p.s. How would you get yourself into the position to drink dog's urine? Maybe you know more about this malarkey than you are letting on.

  4. talking of fiction, there's your next plot and title hotters - I Was Jesus's Dog. 10%.