There's been some hysterical web commentary about the flu, and my mate Alec McClochendichter contributed helpfully to the debate at The Independent.
Classroom conversation at work last night:
Student: Sir, what's going to happen with this flu, are we all going to die?
Me: Not at all, we're not all going to die. Just some of us. But if you're really worried, spend next weekend at the airport - catch it while it's still benign.
Wouldn't that be a buzz? Once you've got your immunity, you could spend the next year or two walking fearlessly through public places, blessing the sick and the fearful.
Actually, I've been doing something like that for decades, blessing all the black spot virgins. "I've been there and it's not so bad."
Right now though, I've got a mammoth trouser outbreak of swine herpes, but I'm too much of a gentleman to identify the swine I caught it from.
Anyway, I got up before dawn to drive the bliss partner to the airport in her car, with a stop-off for an hour at the NSC stadium where she does her exercise class.
I filled in time by walking the dog somewhere completely new, and she was happy as a pig in shit. And when she saw the ducks on the pond, she ran at them, straight across the layer of solid-looking green pond scum. Her spluttering face as she sank straight through what she thought was grass!
On the drive back, the traffic was so heavy that it made sense to stop off and have breakfast at McUnHeardOfs. I left the dog in the car, which is illegal, but fortunately when you live in NSC, compliance with the law is optional.
Looking at the menu board: what kind of breakfast could I order that wouldn't half kill me and support torture of pigs and chickens? The safest thing was also the tastiest: a great slab of raisin toast, soaked in hot salty butter, with a cup of real black tea. And a free read of the newspapers. Oh the bliss!
I had told myself I would only eat half the toast, and take the rest out to the car for the dog, but the willpower deserted me, and the dog had to make do with a couple of free tubs of butter.
Even if the raging herpes means I have to cancel the weekend house party, it's going to be a good few days. For once I've got wheels.
Today will be a tea buzz, and tonight I'm going to binge on a whole bottle of weissbier. How fortunate to have the two best addictions you could possibly hope for.
I'm going out now to lie down in the sun. I may be quite some time.