machines for old folk

In response to requests from sceptics, here's some technical material about the kind of condom technology available nowadays in the supermarket:


Let yourself glow with the glow in the dark vibrating condom pack. 


Visuals and vibrations to turn you on when the lights go off!


Comes with free additional battery which is easily replaced.


It has multiple speeds and can be used multiple times for multiple pleasure!


Features include:

• 3 speed gearbox with intense top speed!
• Easy to use push button for on/ off and changing speeds

In the interests of research, I have had to buy one, with the aim of posting a review one day.

---

There's now a mobile phone for seniors:

---

A Joke

Kid asks Grandpa:

-Do you still have sex with Grandma?

Grandpa:

-Yes, but just oral sex.

Kid:

-What's oral sex?

Grandpa:

-I say fuck you. She says fuck you too.

hotter/refuge

After the long cold winter (by local standards), it's suddenly jumped about ten degrees.

It's horrible. I've been mowing the lawn, and have had to take refuge indoors, half-way through the job, just so I can get my kit off and sit in front of the fan.

Another year of hedge growth around the perimeter, and I should be able to mow the lawn just wearing a hat.

At the supermarket they now sell condoms with a built-in miniature vibrator. I think when sexual perversion becomes mainstream, you have to move on just to stay in the vanguard of fashion. Maybe blissage will become the new sex.

I have to go out and finish the mowing now. I may be some time.

yesterday and today

Cap'n Kev is back from house-sitting a hobby farm with its own pet wombat. I caught up with him yesterday. He says the wombat comes up to you when you're sitting watching TV, and just stands beside you with its hand on your knee. There's also a friendly but dangerous cockatoo and a very sociable pig.

When he asked how I've been getting on with the cellmate, I broke the news that we're sharing the same kettle, for the first time ever. We used to have two kettles to avoid arguments over who had stolen the other person's tea water.

She's away for a few days - fortunately I came across (not in the biblical sense) a short story by A L Kennedy. It's surely the sexiest piece of writing ever. I could scan it into the iPod for emergencies.

At the supermarket they had a new brand of condom, with extra room at one end. Watch this space for a road test, perhaps this year.

To ease the fascist heel I've been wearing my jogging shoes at work. But people have been calling me things like marathon man and baseball boy. So yesterday I got a pair of New Balance black leather trainers.

Of course when I got them home, after wearing them for an evening I realised they were too tight on the old toenail.

On the way back to exchange them today, I found a shop selling a wider pair at almost 50% cheaper. So I bought them, then claimed a refund on the first pair at the other shop. I'm sticking it to the man!

all over the place

Albert works as a teacher. This is from his last email:

"I ran an exam today. It was hard work. They tried everything.

• As I gave the paper to one student who was worried about passing the exam, she handed me a gourmet cream trifle as a present.
• Another student wanted to listen to his phone through headphones, and couldn't understand why I wouldn't allow it during an exam.
• Half way through, one devout person exercised his right to go out and pray, then come back and continue the exam. I made him use a different coloured pen after the prayer, so I would be able tell which answers had followed divine inspiration.
• Near the end, one lass asked for a fresh paper so she could start again. I said that was okay but she would have to hand in both papers. Well, she argued the toss for a while.
• A student who handed in her paper early, sat down again at the computer, and put the course notes up on the screen, so her friend still writing at the next desk could crib the material.
• One of them tried to phone a friend during the exam.

Afterwards, I asked them all to fill out a questionnaire, anonymously, rating my performance this year. The last question was "What mark would you give your teacher?" One of them answered: "A+, see me after class :)"

Naturally I wondered which of the babes had written it, so I compared the handwriting against the exam papers. I found the matching person. It was a musclebound meathead. No help at all."

Albert works hard. Meantime, here in Nouvelle-Calédonie, the wonderful four-day weekend will segue straight into the wonderful two-week vacation. And the cellmate goes away for a few days, so I can get on with all those things I can't do when others are around. Now where did I leave that bicycle pump?

---

Yoga report

• Yesterday I did zilch except the chair during the tooth brushing.
• Today I'll do the killer routine from the book, "Yoga For Regular Guys", even though I'm not one.

Swim forecast

• Tomorrow I'll have the cellmate's car, so can drive to the pool and back, a treat.

it was 40 years ago today, jimi hendrix had to go away

I was an 18 year old dishwasher on Princes Street, working alongside a French girl called Priscilla Tournant. Gorgeous, with an accent to match. I can still hear her voice, so I guess that means I was besotted with her.

At the weekends we would meet up to take speed or acid and go walkabout, visiting drug people or wandering the streets till dawn, to see what would happen.

Completely chaste of course. She had a fiancé in the west, but she hardly ever saw him. "I like being with you cos you don't try anything. You respect that I have Andy in Ayr." I was too young to know that they all say that.

One night on acid, we stopped in at the Gorgie flat, and the news of Hendrix's death was on TV. I remember thinking: if I wasn't drugged up I would grieve.

On the Sunday morning after the big trip at Gerry D's place with Reg etc., I was in bad shape but I had to turn up for work. At least I would be able to shelter in the kitchen and just work the dishwasher. But that was the very day they chose to promote me to work the coffee bar. Out in public in a hairnet, filling teapots with writhing snakes.

Priscilla told the boss to send me home. Instead of going home, I met Gerry et al in Princes St Gardens, for a smoke in the sun.

A few weeks later, my room mate Eddie went away for the weekend, after he was shopped to the squad by you know who.

So I invited Priscilla to the bed-sit for a sleepover. When she turned up, she had her chum Monique with her as a chaperone. The two of them drank vodka in Eddie's bed and giggled in French. It was a farce. They say some women can't respect a guy who respects them. I wore my best pyjamas too.

last weekend

The weekend report. The Chinese film was okay.  The Chinese art exhibition was okay, and I met the owner woman in the lift, too quick for a quickie but it was a glass lift anyway. The best part of the weekend was the Peking podcasts by the BBC.

---

Cardiac exercise report

• I've worked out a way to keep walking despite the fascist heel. Using an old step trainer thing, with my heels hanging off the back of the step so there's no wait on the heel and no pain. If you do 1000 steps, that's a good sweat. It doesn't help the dog though.

fundamentally broken

Apparently, 71 percent of Americans agree with the statement that “America is fundamentally broken." The survey didn't say what percentage of Americans understand words like fundamentally. That's all I'm saying.

---

Yoga report

• One of the good things about the fascist heel injury is that I've had to fall back on yoga.
  
  
• Although I've used yoga off and on since the Buccleuch Towers days, it's only recently that I've been able to focus on what I'm doing, and make adjustments, at the same time as making sure not to reactivate old injuries.

Tai Chi report

• By using basic principles to invent a shakeout for the shoulder injury, I've discovered a new warm-up exercise that's possibly a world first.

Cardiac exercise report

• The upside of being unfit is that absolutely anything you do gives the heart a work-out. It all balances up.

books and ebooks

I now have two extra ebooks which I'll enjoy reading on the pod in the bus. The deal is that the author doesn't want to know what I think of them. I'll need to make an effort to remember that, and curb my natural tendency to be helpful.

Meantime, on paper I'm really enjoying the A.L. Kennedy book. Here's a section called

THE SCOTTISH METHOD
(FOR THE PERFECTION OF CHILDREN)

1. Guilt is good.

2. The history, language and culture of Scotland do not
exist. If they did, they would be of no importance and
might as well not.

3. Masturbation is an abuse of one's self: sexual intercourse,
the abuse of one's self by others.

4. The chosen and male shall go forth unto professions while
the chosen and femaJe shall be homely, fecund, docile and
slightly artistic.

5. Those not chosen shall be cast out into utter darkness,
even unto the ranks of Her Majesty's Armed Forces and
Industry.

6. Pain and fear will teach us to hurt and petrify ourselves,
thus circumventing further public expense.

7. Joy is fleeting, sinful and the forerunner of despair.

8. Life is a series of interwoven ceremonies, etiquettes and
forms which we will never understand. We may never
trust ourselves to others.

9. God hates us. In word, in thought, in deed we are hateful
before God and we may do no greater good than to hate
ourselves.

10. Nothing in a country which is nothing, we are only
defined by what we are not. Our elders and betters are
also nothing: we must remember this makes them bitter
and dangerous.

I'm not sure how much of that is still true nowadays, but people who were kids back then may recognise much of it. My favourites, if that's the word, are 6 and 8.

1000000126

china

The four-day weekend is well under way, with a Chinese flavour.

Walking the dog I listened to some great BBC podcasts from inside China, by John Simpson. Many of the interviewees asked to be anonymous, but some real heroes identified themselves. Like the brave guy who helps workers sue their employers for back-pay or injury compensation. Compared with people like that, my life has hardly benefitted mankind.

On Saturday we're going to watch a 3-hour Chinese film from a few years ago, Lust Caution. I've seen a bit of it, and it's electrifying. And all without stars, explosions or car chases.

On Sunday we're meeting a non-deifheid couple at a Chinese art gallery. All the art is modern Chinese. I went to see the old show last year. I don't appreciate much Western art, especially modern. But this stuff is so fresh, imaginative, varied, humorous. I wonder if any of it will refer to Tibet.

---

Swimming report

• Yesterday I broke the swimming boycott for the first time since the auld reekie housing department hotel. The best bit was baking away the aches and pains in the sauna. The worst part was jumping in the pool afterwards. I find psyching yourself up with thoughts of Jocko weather helps prepare for the shock.
  
  
• I need to start swimming at least every week, to balance up the reduction in walking due to the fascist heel.

aussie balance

On a recent visit to Albert, I was able to observe the native fauna in situ. The best thing you can say about Aussie men and women is that they go well together (Albert says "they deserve each other").

The women are tough, bovine creatures. The clever ones resent men, while the rest of them regard their menfolk with the sort of loyal pride that a mother would feel for a handicapped son winning a school race.

The men are cheerful oafish layabouts, except in the sporting field, where they excel. They admire their women, if only for their pluck, tolerance and housework.

Fortunately, the picture is slowly changing, as immigration brings in some graceful women from Asia, and capable men from places like Jockoland and Bavaria. Things are balancing up.

first yoga report

Yoga report

• Yesterday I did just the poses I usually do, which isn't many. The military ones - Warriors and Salutes.
• Today I used a yoga for dummies kind of book, to jog my memory about other poses I had learnt years ago and forgotten. I followed two of their routines, and I'm well warmed up (knackered) now. I especially enjoyed the table top, with the variation where you reach back and grab the free foot with the free hand.

Tai Chi report

• None yet. One thing at a time.

surely not the end in sight!

One moment dear Christopher Hitchens was on the screen promoting another doubtless fine book, “Hitch-22.” The next minute he's been handed the black spot. Now the god-botherers are hoping he'll recant and embrace god. I can't see it.

Reading random blogs I found someone taking great macro photos in their garden. Soon after, the photographer was in hospital having life-saving major surgery. Just shows once again, you never know when you'll go. Nobody ever dies wishing they'd worked harder, but I believe everyone wishes they'd managed to love more. I'd rather spend my last hour blogging than working or in deifheid company. Imagine if you found out that you'd just wasted your last day listening to the drone of deifheids!

I took the other photos after sharpening my pencils instead of working.

there is no one either good or bad ....

There is no one either good or bad, but circumstances make them so.

There was a discussion of the Cumbria shootings in The Independent by Julian Baggini, of interest to freelance taoists everywhere. For your convenience, here are a few key paragraphs:

As soon as the identity of the Cumbria killer became known, people immediately started to ask what kind of man Derrick Bird was. And there were always going to be only two possible answers. Almost every perpetrator of an atrocity is assigned the role of either a monster who was bound to do great evil eventually, or an ordinary person who inexplicably flipped.

We need to understand that situation, rather than character, usually matters more in how people behave, not so we can just let everyone off, but so that we can better understand why people do wrong and do more to prevent it. Most people are neither bad apples nor good eggs, but soft fruit that can easily turn from ripe to rotten.

Left and right have traditionally made opposite mistakes in this regard. Conservatives have placed far too little stress on the role of social circumstances in criminality, imagining that poverty and social exclusion are mere excuses for criminality, not causal factors in it. The left, on the other hand, has tended to overplay the social, imagining that people have no control over how they respond to circumstances, that all criminality is the inevitable result of iron laws of economic determinism.

What we are now understanding is that it is not either/or.

I rest my case. Everything is a balance of one thing and the other.

entertainment and exercise

After working all day and evening, I relaxed by watching an episode of Embarrassing Bodies. Amazing TV of real people and their asymmetrical breasts, incontinent streaming, blown-out vaginas etc. No bottoms this week though.

It's not just sensational camerawork, it's educational too. One informative sequence revealed the mantra "socks before jocks." Apparently people who want to avoid spreading their athlete's foot into athlete's crotch should put their socks on before their pants. You learn something every day.

Meanwhile, the ipod seems to have lost the only ebook I ever read, The Real Alma Mater. Somewhere there's a backup copy that I can reload.

---

I'm not sure I'll ever swim again, at least not in the winter - I can't face the split fingers. Mind you, since I developed plantar fasciitis for the first time ever, walking is out so I'll be forced to resume swimming. Have you ever had that? In my case it's just a soreness right under the heel. Probably from walking on hard flat insoles. It's amazing how many new kinds of decrepitude one discovers on getting older.

Because the walking's been curtailed, I was nearly persuaded to buy a Wii system, for fitness. You can use it to play virtual tennis, box, and do yoga and tai chi. But I stopped myself just in time. I already know how to do tai chi and yoga. I just need to bloody well get on with it. And I could probably teach myself shadow boxing for oldies, without causing any new injuries.